Earlier
this morning, White House Chief of Staff Jacob Lew convened a press conference
to announce that he would finally exercise the US Constitution’s vaguely worded
“amnesty clause” to officially void the contract of the now former vice
president of the United States, Joseph R. Biden.
This
announcement, though unprecedented in recent history, was not altogether
unexpected. In recent weeks, Mr. Biden’s
on-the-record comments in favor of recognizing gay marriage were seen by none
other than the President as getting “a little bit over his skis”[i]. However, this may have been but the tip of
the iceberg. Unedited transcripts of
past interviews reveal that Mr. Biden has at times promoted clemency for Lil
Boosie[ii], the
eastward expansion of In-N-Out Burger franchises[iii],
and in a particularly combative Facebook note, expressed criticism of the overt
symbolism[iv]
in Season 5 of Mad Men.
As the
news broke, prominent statistician Nate Silver was quick to weigh in. “We’ve
been saying this for a long time in my East Coast Dems fantasy league, but Biden’s
value over replacement vice president is actually negative- essentially, he is
the Carlos Boozer of VPs. We have to go
back in time to Aaron Burr to find the last time someone so adversely impacted
the US from that perch, and that dude both killed a Founding Father and tried
to found a separate nation[v].”
Rumors
have been swirling around Politico and ESPN.com that many prominent politicians
have been on Lew’s radar as the trade deadline looms. “We’ve been thinking about Cory Booker a lot,
but honestly, Team USA isn’t quite post-racial at this juncture,” said Lew. “It’s more like we’re leading late in the 4th
quarter of ‘racial’ and Rush Limbaugh[vi]
won’t stop fouling us.”
Even
with the cap room to keep both President Obama and key free agent Hillary
Clinton (seen honing her game internationally of late), the White House might
be forced to promote the untested Martin O’Malley, recall Rahm Emanuel from
D-League Chicago, or hang their hopes on a draft stacked with liberal
Virginians[vii].
It
goes without saying that all of this could be moot if Chief Justice John
Roberts declares unconstitutionality, reinstates Mr. Biden, and ships Secretary
Clinton to the LA Clippers for Al-Farouq Aminu[viii].
In
other news, despite all efforts to tank for the season under the weight of Ron
Paul’s expiring contract and the dreadful performance of expensive free agents Rick
Perry and Herman Cain, Republicans are set to ride a perfectly-coiffed wave of Romnian
adequacy to an impressive showing in the best-of-538 electoral playoff.
Should Mr. Romney ever step down as POTUS, Bill
Simmons has already called the first Ewing Theory presidency[ix].
