CHICAGO – In a move wholly indicative of his disregard for
the subjunctive mood in 10th grade Spanish and his recent
consolidation of power in the Chicago Public School League, Mayor Rahm Emanuel
has forsaken negotiations and injunctions, announcing in a press conference
just moments ago his intentions to recall thousands of teachers from
semi-professional “districts” in St. Louis as scabs for the remainder of the
academic season.
Calls for justice from established teachers reverberated
through the blogosphere until the wee hours that teachers remained awake,
effectively ceasing at 7:30 CST.
Unofficially marking the end of the social media charge was MericaRunsOnArneDuncan’s
exasperated quip “If STL is so eager, maybe the Cubs should go on strike too #defendingWSchamps
#ifeeldirty.”
The marginalized teachers of CTU continue to rally around
firebrand Karen Lewis, citing inadequate compensation and striking by proxy for
the kinds of improved conditions that would keep Chicago students in smaller
classes, un-dripped upon by pernicious leaks, and likely maintain their mathematical
dominance over perennial dark horse Thailand.
Seasoned instructors have bristled at the suggestion that
objective means of analyzing performance be instituted to improve the quality
of education, but public opinion has been swayed. In one particularly damning episode, fifth
grader Eric Wilson staunchly maintained that he raised his hand before Rebecca
Steinhorst on the final question of Westward Expansion Jeopardy. He was promptly overruled by the colluding
instructor, Dr. Hochuli, resulting in a dramatic, come-from-behind victory for
Steinhorst’s tween history upstarts. Some tantrums later, Eric was finally
vindicated by no fewer than 6 instant replay cellphone videos shot by classmates,
yet the victory stands, an affront to justice and America itself. (Dr. Hochuli declined to comment for this
article.)
Students at the Academy for Unsafe Youths and Occasional
Math, a charter school located in the heart of Chicago’s bustling downtown, staged
a counter-protest upon learning their peers would not be attending school in
the immediate future. With city-wide
demand for homework dropping off sharply, bargain homework printed from
developing schools quickly flooded the academic wonderland, effectively devaluing
the education by dint of a scandalous lack of foresight. “If only a
semi-centralized, partially-independent body of technocrats existed to
administer homework policy outside of the petty concerns of politics, this
crisis may have been averted,” demurred Occasional Math teacher Julio Bernanke.
Reports from packed Megabuses on I-55 indicate great excitement
among the replacement teachers, but many pundits are right to worry about a
drop-off in quality. “I’ve heard rumors
of them letting recess go for 2, sometimes even 3 days down there. Then they come back on Monday like nothing
ever happened,” offered blogger/struggling comedian Jonathan Karp.
In their last broadcast before the cessation of classes, the
student news team at Tom
Berenger Academy of Instructor Impermanence decried the efficacy of the
talks as mere “sound and fury, signifying nothing without addressing issues like
entrenched poverty, childhood trauma, skyrocketing college tuition, and
allegiance to the status quo.”
Unfortunately, the bell had already rung, no flags were thrown, and
neither the school nor the world were listening.
